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JOKES
Hi
fellows! I just wanted to say that some of these
jokes mayb a bit adult, so dont mind that plzzzzzz. And i can guarantee that all
of the jokes are laughable and can cheer ur up if ur mood isn't good. Have fun. ******************************
A story from the Japanese Embassy in US:
Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training
b4 he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori: Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say,
"How are you". Then Mr. Clinton should say, "I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say "me
2".
Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you.
It looks quite simple, but the truth is ... When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."Then Mori replied confidently
"Me too, ha ha ha.."
***************
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid
tongue, explodes one day in
mid-session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt
politicians!" All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he
withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member
accepted. "Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is
NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians
***************
Astagfirulla'h
A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building and she suddenly trips over something and falls down. On her way falling down, an
American man catches her, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you..." The man says
"Okay then, sleep with me. "She says : "You PIG!! NEVER!!" So he says :"FINE!" and he drops her down.... So she's falling and screaming...
Suddenly a German man catches her in the air
from his balcony, she says:"Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you ask..." The guy says : "Frauen, sleep with me." She replies :"Oh you nasty pig!!! NEVER!" So the man says : "Fine!!!" and he also
drops her down.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she slept with one of
those men and now she's going to die. Suddenly, a Pathan catches the woman from his balcony, she says :
Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll SLEEP with you!!" The Pathan replies:"Astagfirulla'h!" and drops her again.
***************
Lost
-----------
a man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "You know I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you
talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" asked the woman
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
***************
The Death of Hubert:
Hubert is upstairs on his bed, comatose and dying. His old friend, the doctor, is right next to him, waiting patiently. Suddenly, Hubert sits
up, sniffs the air and says "She's baking cookies!" The doctor offers to bring some but Hubert says "I never did like her much but I stayed
with her all these years just for her cookies. I sure would love some before I die but they must be eaten hot, right from the pan, to taste
their best." Hubert drags himself down to get a last taste of her wonderful cookies. As his trembling hand reaches toward the pan he
hears "Hubert! Stay out of those cookies. They're for the funeral."
***************
Little Jane and sunday school Little Jane was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Jane, who created the universe?" When Jane didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Jane and the teacher said, "Very good" and Jane fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Jane, "Who is
our Lord and Savior," But, Jane didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Jane and the teacher said, "Very good," and Jane fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Jane a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And
again, Johnny jabbed her with the pencil. This time Jane jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
hehehehe sorry
fellows its kinda adult but its 2 funny i was laughing for an hour after i read
this joke ***************
A guy was invited to an old friend's home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife with
endearing terms, calling her Honey", " Darling", "Sweetheart", "My Love", "Pumpkin", etc.He was impressed, since the couple had been married for almost 50 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen, he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that
after all these years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
*************** For all those who are married or going to be married
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honour, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
*************** From his death bed, the husband called his wife
and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Mr Drone." "Drone ! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
*************** At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man ***************
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why,Dad?
Tell me why !" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
***************
A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain ?" said the counsellor, "You're still getting the same service !"
***************
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband. But look at me. My husband is
Foolish,Lazy and a Cowar ;but have I ever said anything bad about him ?" *************** A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are ? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that ?
"I would love to." replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
***************
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."
One of his friends asked, "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back."
***************
Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why ?"
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you.
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one ?' ***************
Have a drink !
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then this bully steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man crying."
The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my life. First I get fired for oversleeping and getting to work late. Then I'm leaving the building and find out my car was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and >forget my wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
*************** Waiting At The Gates
Two men waiting at the gates of Heaven strike up a conversation.
"How did you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "But in the end it isn't too bad. How did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I went home nexpectedly. I found her alone in the bedroom doing some knitting. Then I ran all over the house looking for the man, starting in the basement, but just as I got to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic."
"What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
***************
Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
Sam: No comb, sir.
Teacher: Use your dad's then.
Sam: No hair, sir.
*************** Teacher: What's the chemical formulae for water?
> > > Sam: "HIJKLMNO".
> > > Teacher: What?!
> > > Sam: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
*************** Father: Sam, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to
her.
Sam: (to the aunt) Aunt, I'm sorry you're stupid
*************** Sam: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so, what do you want me to write?
Sam: Your name on my report card.
*************** In a clinic
Doctor: I've "bad news" and "very bad news" for you.
Patient: Well, might be better give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you've 24 hours to live.
Patient: What?! 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be even worse then? Tell me the very bad news.
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** |
